No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
