Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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