More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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