If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We talked him into tasing himself.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
