Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
