you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
