You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
