Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
