i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
