I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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