i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
