that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
