What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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