i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
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