Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
