my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
