you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
