i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
