i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
