between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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