New low: just hacked my moms facebook
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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