i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
