dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
