i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
