can u get pink eye on your cock?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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