my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
