I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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