All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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