You don't have asthma, your pregnant
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
