and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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