so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
