GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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