He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
