did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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