Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
