My nipple is on Facebook.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
