I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
