Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
