she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
