please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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