Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
