I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
