First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
