Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
