mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
