i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
