(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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