Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
