On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
