Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
