I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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